I’m stuck. I have been stuck in this rut for a long time. All girls have self image issues, I get that. Even my mother admits to me that at one point in her life, she wasn’t too fond of herself as one hundred percent of girls have been at one point or another in their lives. When girls posted about how crappy their lives are and how depressed they were, I used to sit there and stare at the screen, wondering how these blessed and beautiful girls could think this awful things until I realized I was one of those girls. The internet is truly an awful thing that was invented for certain purposes and used for others it should never be used for. If you’re a guy, I’m not sure even myself being a girl can even begin to explain the female mind and thought process. I think the thing people don’t realize is that the one mean comment that a girl receives, completely outweighs the thousands of affirming and ‘beautiful’ compliments a girl receives. Some girls have the miraculous ability to not let the bad stuff phase them and I wish I could be one of those girls. Some girls have the amazing talent of hiding their insecurities and emotions without a second thought. I wish I could even be one of these girls. I used to be one who hid all of my feelings and just made everyone believe I was just a normal girl. Nothing used to bother me. It wasn’t until my faults were pointed out by someone else did I become outwardly insecure. It was that one comment that changed everything.
Category: Nicole Cadwell.
So much more.
I tried to remember everything about that day. From the little facial expressions he made, his callused hands that held tight to mine, the brisk wind that made us scoot closer together fighting for a little bit of the others warmth. His arm tight around my waist as we said goodbye to my mother and set out on our journey to the famous Daniels Park. It’s one of those magical places that takes your breath away. You walk away wondering how the trees could be that many colors and how the sunset could look so peaceful but somehow thunderously loud at the same time. It was beautiful and perfect. It was like the night we laid out on the grass and looked at the stars. This night was special because soon he would be gone for a week on vacation with his family, out of the country, and out of my reach. We had gotten a schedule of when we saw each other at school and on weekends, essentially spending every moment we could together. I had barely gone a day without him since we had gotten back together. A week doesn’t seem like much, and in the grand scheme of things it isn’t, but when you’re this young, it can feel like the whole world to you.
After Daniel’s Park, we went back to his dad’s empty condo to pick up some of his clothes. Due to the fact that his parents got a divorce a couple years ago, they moved on to their separate lives, leading his dad to get remarried. This condo that he had, was because he had moved in with his current wife and had yet to get around to selling it. It is a nice little house and very suitable to their routines. Keegan was grabbing a few things from the house on our way to another friends house. He was taking forever so he showed me to his room and told me to make myself at home. By the time he had gathered what he needed, it had been more than a half an hour so I was lounging on his bed checking up on my twitter feed. I remember he had told me the night before because of some bet I had lost, I had to “make the first move next time.” I saw this as the perfect opportunity, since it was just the two of us. He sat down on the bed next to me and just simply said hi with a enormous smile on his face. Just one simple little lingering kiss was all it took for him to reciprocate dive right in. He has always been good at reading the tempo of things. Gentle when need be and more aggressive when need be. He is always passionate and really focused on the current moment and nothing else. When things become more serious he becomes more intimate, almost willing himself to be closer to me, physically and emotionally. Sometimes the emotional connection is all it takes but sometime a physical touch, skin to skin contact is what is needed. I think he felt the need for skin to skin contact that night as he became even more gentle lifting my shirt ever so much that when I lifted his shirt, the warmth from our bodies connected through the contact of actual touch.
That moment when your hands touch for the first time is a feeling that sends butterflies straight to your stomach, but when your bodies and skin touch for the first time, its a feeling you can’t even describe. I love him that much more.
All becuase of you.
All those nights of talking, all those nights of crying, all those nights of pouring my heart out to him mean everything in the world now. We would never be where we are today had we not expressed everything we were feeling. Knowing that he didn’t want to lose me, knowing that he really truly wanted to be with me, was all it took. Before our eyes were wide shut. Then miraculously our eyes became wide open, along with the rest of ourselves. After all the fights and all of the harsh things said and worked out, everything changed. He started trying, making me feel like I was wanted, like I was worth something. I was worth something and I am worth something. Sometimes there are greater issues in life than your own but just because someone has it worse off than you, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be loved. What is a life without any living and without any beauty. Love is one of the things that gets me through the day. Holding my hand, putting your arm around my shoulder, giving me “the look.” I still get butterflies and way too excited when I receive a text from you. My heart skips a little beat when I see you for three seconds in the hallway. When you put your arms around my shoulders and give me forehead and cheek kisses. I just can’t get enough. Now that we are mostly caught up with my life, with some exceptions, I feel the need to express what I am feeling twenty-four hours a day. I started reading again. I opened up again. I started living again, and it’s all because of Keegan.
It sure is working.
Am I not good enough for you or something? Do you not feel the need to make me happy? Do you not want to be around me all the time? And you feel the need to flirt with my friends in front of me? I don’t understand the logic that goes through boys heads. I mean what have I done to make you think I don’t love you? This is a crazy ride we have been on and sometimes it sucks but most of the time, it’s pretty beautiful. Even having said what I have, I will always love you. That night that we kissed for the first time in a long time was an amazing night. We worked things out. My friends haven’t always been as supportive as they should be and choose to ridicule him even when there is no reason to. People just don’t understand how we can work things out and forgive each other, even after the things that we have done or said. A lot of people don’t understand how our forgiveness is easier than most and how we know we can always forgive each other no matter what. All this is just leading up to me telling you that he asked me to homecoming finally. He gathered his friends all up and made a plan. They got in the bed of Eli’s truck and rode up and down my street, screaming at me with a sign over their heads. He brought me roses and the night was really special. The next night, I gave him my reply, which was a yes of course. My friend, her boyfriend and I, got balloons, glow sticks, streamers and many other fun things to essentially, wreck his lawn. At the end of his drive way we lit a ‘YES’ on fire with the gel from catering lamps, which glowed purple. (Comment if you want to know how, it’s brilliant!) We pulled it off without any of his family finding out until we were good and ready. After the big unveiling, Keegan and I, came back to my house. We were pretty much stumped on what to do at almost 10:00 at night until we realized all we really wanted to do was lay in each others arms. We gathered some blankets and sleeping bags and trudged off to the park. The sky is impeccably clear at the park by my house so we layed down in the grass and stared at the stars for a while. Now I know what you’re thinking, how cliché, that kind of stuff only happens in movies right? Well it was pretty much the best night of my life up until this point. He is always so gentle and tricky. Pointing at a star then meeting my lips with his as I look over to where his finger is leading to. His arms create the tightest most safe hug that I have ever experienced, making me want to stay in that moment forever. I don’t know what he does to make me love him, but it sure is working.
Come After Me
Without a doubt in my mind I knew Keegan was always going to be there in the back of my head. Whether he was just a friend or maybe someday more, he was coming after me. We always had this bet. We weren’t allowed to send each other one word answers over text. If we did we lost the bet and the other person got a prize. We had many prizes throughout our relationship. Silly things like candy or a movie night. It wasn’t until after our break up did the bet become serious.
I know what I want this time.
He sounded mysterious and almost concerning. Whenever he said something like this , I knew he was about to be very straight forward with me.
What do you want, Keegan?
I have to admit, I was uber skeptical about what he was about to send me.
Your blog url.
Oh shit was the first thing that came to my head but not wanting to show any fear I confidently said,
Alright. You got it. I know what I want then.
What might that be?
I want to meet your family for real and I want you to give me something.
There was no way I was backing down, I always won these bets and I had a feeling my winning streak was going to continue.
Not fair! Two for one?
Yes two for one. I want one last kiss.
And that is that.
The next time we saw each other after that, we actually jumped into each others arms. We were so enamored by each other and it was the kind of love I had always wished for. We never said ‘I love you.’ I think it was more of an unsaid thing. Believing that he wanted to be with me wasn’t the hard part. The hard part was trying to believe it was the right time for us. We had so much fun together yet somehow we tended to be apart more often than we were together. Secretly all girls want good morning and good night texts. We all want to be seen with you and show you off so pictures are a must. Even the little things, just little surprises even make our day. I always wanted a boy to give me his jacket or hoodie like Keegan did that one time. Girls secretly want really long hugs and slow dances in the middle of the street like Noah and Allie in The Notebook. We secretly want you to sing to us even if it is way out of tune. All girls secretly want to know how much you love them and how much you mean to them. Telling a girl she is pretty speaks a thousand more words than the three it takes to say “you are beautiful.”
Prom is at the end of the year meaning summer was coming so soon and I knew what that meant. No time with Keegan. I was leaving for California a week or so after school was out and when I got back there would be a week in between me coming home and him leaving for the rest of the summer.
Don’t you ever say, I just walked away. I will always want you.
The summer was full of highs and lows for the both of us. Life in general is hard but that summer kicked my butt. He was on a roller coaster family ride from all the drama in his family life and I was on a roller coaster because of well, summer. Summer was a mess and sometimes I like to think everything happens for a reason and just leave it at that but then again, breaking up with Keegan was one of the worst nights of my life. I know that break ups are hard. This was very real for me and my whole heart broke not just in two. As soon as I started crying that night in front of him and he started crying in front of me, I knew we were going to get back together and that was that.
How much I loved Him.
Prom was an amazing experience. I was so lucky to go being that I was a sophomore, dating a junior. Prom is something I had dreamed about my entire life. I remember when I was little and my aunt would take me to get my nails done for my birthday which is right around prom time. I always idolized the girls who got all dressed up with their perfect hair, smile, make-up, everything about them was stunning and they always looked so incredibly happy. I had always wanted that. Paris helped me get ready and she was amazing that day knowing how happy it was making me. She was there the night he asked me. We were having a girls night in our pj’s with popcorn, sappy movies, and of course tons of junk food. He called me and asked, “You don’t happen to be home do you?” Of course I was a little hesitant to answer since I was a little less presentable than I would of like but reluctantly answered with a “Yes. Why do you ask?”
“Just go outside really quick.” I immediately knew what was going on and the butterflies came on. I was so excited and nervous. My stomach was in knots knowing that he cared enough to ask. Paris and the rest of the girls followed close behind as I ran out into his arms to find a huge “PROM?” banner on his car. It was an amazing moment, he had flowers and an audience. It was perfect.
When the night of the dance rolled around, I was so eager and nervous. Like I said Paris did my make-up and helped me with my dress. When he got there, like I was saying last time, it was a very cliché where I walked down stairs and Paris opened the door to reveal the screen door where he was standing. His jaw actually dropped. I felt like a princess in that moment. He escorted me out to the car where we rushed off to pictures with our group. This is when I pinned his boutonniere and he gave me my beautiful white rose corsage. The whole night was like a fairytale. We went to dinner at P.F. Chang’s. Giggles and laughter filled the evening while we all enjoyed each others company. We rushed off to the dance and hour late, fashionably if you ask me. We walked in to ‘A Starry Night.’ Twinkling lights everywhere and fabulous music. We danced, kissed, and loved the whole night away. After the perfect evening, we scurried away to after prom. After prom is half of the experience. We couldn’t have had more fun. We gambled, messed around on the jumpy castles and played many many games. The thing I can remember most about that night was the drive home and sitting with him in my driveway, watching the sunrise. He is so gentle in the way he moves with me and the way he kissed me. Sitting in his car for two hours, caressing each others hands and biting each others lips. One of the most memorable moments in my entire life. This was one of those nights that helped me understand just how much I really did love him and how much I always will love him.
PRAM 2K13
PRAM 2K13. For real? Okay, seriously the best night of my life to this day. Paris was there that night to help me get ready. I had a aqua dress and a beautiful white rose corsage. He was in a grey tux and I got the coolest boutonniere for him. Of course he plays baseball and is in love with sport. I found this amazing website that turns sports balls like baseballs, basketballs, and footballs into boutonnieres. I got him the simplest one but I have to admit, his baseball boutonniere was the talk of the night. Pictures to come later. Paris gave me these gorgeous earrings for my birthday that I was able to wear that night. She did my make up and helped me with the dress and all of the other fancy things that go along with prom. After we took a ton of pictures and put the final touches to the look Keegan arrived to pick me up. You know in the movies the cliché moment when the groom sees the bride for the first time or when two people see each other for the first time and immediately it is love at first sight? That was one of these moments and I knew that tonight was going to be, one of the best nights of my life.
Eyes Wide Shut
Now that Keegan and I had made mouth to mouth contact, I want to make it clear, I think I was blinded by my emotions. My eyes were wide shut. When you’re in a relationship, all you can think about is the other person. All you want to do is be with that person, even though you have no knowledge of what the outcome of your time together will be. He was a very loving person, and still is a loving person, he was just very private. We acted almost like we didn’t know each other in public, but we were never more than two inches apart when we were alone. I didn’t think much of the secretive nature of the relationship, maybe just a little jealousy due to the fact we never once touched each other in public. He was always a flirtatious person but to my later realization, I wasn’t the only one he was flirting with. Before me, he had girlfriends to make himself feel better and fill the void in his life that he was so brutally suffering from, lacking the stable father figure a normal teenage boy has. I believed he loved me and I think he did. I sure loved him. Going through the months we spent together, I remember the movies we went to together, the baseball games, prom night. My corsage from five months ago, still smells amazing and just like him. I remember him giving me a sweatshirt in the middle of summer while he was away so I could sail away into my dreams, surrounded by his scent each night. I knew nothing bad was going to happen as long as I was with him. That night he gave me his sweatshirt, was one of the most memorable nights for me. This was the first time he showed the slightest bit of public affection. Of course all of his friends knew we were together. I believe that was probably what led him to kiss me that night and swaddle me in his arms. We were at his friend Isaiah’s house. Isaiah had many brothers and sisters, to say the least, it was a gargantuan family. It was later in the evening and we drove over in his friends truck bed, howling in the wind like wild dogs, enjoying the nights tempo. It soon settled down when we sat on Isaiah’s back porch with many of his other friends along with their girlfriends. Nevaeh was there too. It was a simply gesture, but it was the first time we had ever held hands in front of other people and the first time we had ever kissed in front of everyone. To be completely honest, I don’t like when couples are all over each other in front of other people, but when you hold their hand or kiss them on the forehead or simply on the lips, it is the most amazing gesture in the world to me. It’s like taking ownership of your other half. ‘She’s mine, and none of you can have her.’ I don’t know if eyes wide shut is even the right title for this entry because that night and many other nights after that, I knew both our eyes were wide open.
For The Times That Life Just Gets Crazy 