My brain doesn’t turn off most nights.

Here’s to the people who don’t know where their life is going because that is me. My entire life is one big question mark and some part of that excites me and some part of that scares me and some part of that makes me so anxious. Why won’t it start already? Why can’t that boy just like me? What is wrong with me that I don’t know what I want to do with my life?

Is it wrong that I already want to drop out of college? Is it bad that I have second thoughts about my life and the choices I have made thus far? Coming to this school, at this time in my life, could it all be right? Nothing seems to feel correct right now. It feels off balance and like this is wrong. I love it here but is this really what I am “stuck” with for the next four years.

Here’s a love rant. I love my roommate. I love every single thing about her. We are so alike and so different. There is so much to her that I just get to discover more of each day. I think that’s what I love about her. She’s like an onion, and onions have layers. There is always a new and exciting adventure with this girl. Her laugh is contagious and you really can’t help but smile when you are around her. My favorite thing is when it gets past 10 pm. This is my favorite time to spend with my girl cuz the moment ten hits, she becomes the most bubbly and slap happy person you ever met in your entire life.

That’s another thing that’s hard for me. Not seeing eye to eye with everyone I meet. My roomie and I share the same humor and sarcasm and that doesn’t always help while making friends. That’s not to say we haven’t made loads of friends we just seem to find contention within a lot of relationships.

I want to say thank you. Thank you to my faves. Thank you to the people who have always been there for me. To my bestie at NAU, shoutout to your first time on this page! To my family, I love you guys with all of my heart and miss you more than you can even fathom. To my best friend back home Novalee, I love you dearly and miss you with all of my heart. I don’t know if you will ever read this Nova but I just want to tell you, I am scared. I am scared that one day things will go to far for you, and you are going to get yourself into some big trouble or even get hurt. I miss you so much and I love you too much to ever let that happen. Please take care of yourself while I am away and do the right thing for me. I love you bunches. See ya soon then love, don’t forget me.

I’m exhausted

Oh my goodness I am sleepy. I am completely drained from head to toe, inside and out. I just moved to another state to begin college and let me tell you it is stressful. Adjusting to so many things all at once has been a very daunting task. Don’t get me wrong, I love it here and everything about this I just am struggling. My roommates are already on my nerves and it has been less than a week. I think this is going to be fun once I make a bunch of new friends and everything seems to become easier. I am hoping to just live with as little stress as possible. Right now I am sitting in bed with my eyes drifting shut and my head slowly sinking into my pillow and I just feel like I need a billion hours of sleep. Maybe soon I will get that. I hope this becomes easier.

Confusing, yet consuming.

Hello Lovies. I am really enjoying this summer and all of its fun and exciting things it brings. I have been thinking a lot about Nicole and Keegan and to be honest, Nicole and Keegan are no more. They are completely separated, except for one thing. Nicole got an email the other day from Keegan as he had journeyed off to another part of the country leaving her here by herself. Keegan said he had written her a letter and it really intrigued Nicole but she knew to protect herself and to guard her heart. As time has passed since their break up, new people have been brought into Nicole’s life and have change everything. There is this boy, his name is Riley Bilson. Riley and Nicole have been inseparable for a few weeks now but their relationships come with a lot of challenges. Recently, it has been hard for Nicole to understand the meaning behind the budding relationship. As she heads off to college as well as him, their relationships comes at a turning point in each of their lives. Riley wants to be kept complete secret but somehow musters out that he loves her after knowing her for a few weeks. Nicole is more confused than anything as she feels she loves him too but cannot let her heart fall for him. This has been all so confusing and consuming.

July 28th, 2015

Riley Bilson – The things I wish I could say

Riley,

You have changed things. You have created this yearning in my heart. A wild, crazy and overwhelming craving for you. You have overtaken my thoughts and my heart. You my friend have taken over me. There is so much I wish I could say, but as we both know, I am not articulate. I wish I could tell you how much I love your smile, and how happy it makes me to see you smile because of me or just purely when you are with me. I wish I could tell you how much I love staring into your big beautiful blue eyes and how much joy they created in my heart ever since I got the chance to look at you. I wish I could say how full my heart is every time that I am with you as you fill our space with laughter and love. Your ability for comfortability is unparalleled and I cannot get enough of your warmth and abounding love. I wish I could tell you I want to be with you every waking moment, kissing you, holding you and loving you. I wish I could look into your eyes and confess all of the feelings that I have when I am with you but we both know I suck with words. I am crazy about you, you have completely consumed and overtaken my thoughts. I wish I could tell you that. I wish you could tell you all of the things you are able to tell me. I wish I could tell you I love all of the things you don’t love about yourself, because I think that you are perfect. You are seriously one of the strongest, loyal and passionate people I know and I don’t know how anyone couldn’t fall in love with you. All I can say is that I am glad you somehow chose me. I am truly grateful of you and for you. Thank you for everything.

With much love,

Nicole

I am in love.

Hello my name is Alex, and I have fallen in love. This is so stupid, why am I doing this, why am I putting my heart through this just so that it can be broken in three weeks? Good question lets evaluate. I love him. I have never had feelings for any person like this before and I think it would be stupid of me not to act on them. But on the other hand, if I do act on them, I know I will get hurt. Also I don’t want to be just a good fuck if you know what I mean. But my heart is pounding out of my chest just at the thought of him and I cannot stop it. This is such a change from my recent moods but I am not sorry for it. I guess I am going to just have to go with it since it makes me happy and I deserve that right? Of course. Rolling with it it is.

Ay dios mio

My heart is broken. Utterly shattered yet so whole at the same time. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. A lot of that thinking has been about what is really important to me right now especially since I am going off to college soon. A lot of what is important to me is the relationships that I have cultivated over the years and the new budding ones that I wish I had created a long time ago. I just recently came back from a missions trip to Jamaica and I can say that it was one of the most heart breaking, heart twisting, heart fulfilling trips of my entire life. We worked in the crazy slums and some of the most beautiful places. There I think I found myself and especially found myself in God. My missions work was what was important to me while I was there but through that, God peaked my interests in another way. I found a man. I first typed boy there but as I thought about it more, God gave me a man to protect me and to love me even if that doesn’t mean in a romantic way. I have never had a boyfriend or really even a lot of friends who believed the same things that I did or had similar values so to really get to know this man was a ridiculously freeing experience. I am so grateful for all of the people that have been given to me as well as taken from me. I see all of them as an opportunity to grow and better myself. I also today came across a poem from my ex boyfrined which made me tear up. I will always have love for him as a person and appreciate all that we gave each other but I am glad now that we are separated. I feel so different now. I don’t really know what to do with myself at this exact moment in time and in space. It’s like I am just floating, no people surrounding me. I have lost a lot and hope to soon gain a little bit when I go to school but I feel lost. I don’t know how to shake the feeling either. I am sad yet happy and content.

Liars

You know what is super fucked up? Liars. I hate this out of all the things in the world the worst. I hate the fact that it is so easy for people to make things up and drag you along with whatever they would like. I’m not over here saying that I am perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I know what it is like to be lied to in a large capacity and I don’t like it. It’s so hard for me to wrap my mind around the idea that people enjoy doing this. Maybe I am just a whiner but I’m just tired of all of this and phew, yeah that’s all for now.  

Ugh. 

I hate fuckboys (Sorry I don’t usually say that word but it’s almost necessary). The fact that guys have the nerve to do what they do is one of my greatest pet peeves. Without even trying to I get myself hurt or into friendships that turn around to bite me in the ass. I hate posting like this but sometimes it’s nice to say, boys suck sometimes (now sorry for generalizing an entire gender. I know you’re not all bad :))