Ay dios mio

My heart is broken. Utterly shattered yet so whole at the same time. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. A lot of that thinking has been about what is really important to me right now especially since I am going off to college soon. A lot of what is important to me is the relationships that I have cultivated over the years and the new budding ones that I wish I had created a long time ago. I just recently came back from a missions trip to Jamaica and I can say that it was one of the most heart breaking, heart twisting, heart fulfilling trips of my entire life. We worked in the crazy slums and some of the most beautiful places. There I think I found myself and especially found myself in God. My missions work was what was important to me while I was there but through that, God peaked my interests in another way. I found a man. I first typed boy there but as I thought about it more, God gave me a man to protect me and to love me even if that doesn’t mean in a romantic way. I have never had a boyfriend or really even a lot of friends who believed the same things that I did or had similar values so to really get to know this man was a ridiculously freeing experience. I am so grateful for all of the people that have been given to me as well as taken from me. I see all of them as an opportunity to grow and better myself. I also today came across a poem from my ex boyfrined which made me tear up. I will always have love for him as a person and appreciate all that we gave each other but I am glad now that we are separated. I feel so different now. I don’t really know what to do with myself at this exact moment in time and in space. It’s like I am just floating, no people surrounding me. I have lost a lot and hope to soon gain a little bit when I go to school but I feel lost. I don’t know how to shake the feeling either. I am sad yet happy and content.

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