I’m in awe. 

You know what amazes me? My future husband is on this earth right now. It’s crazy to think I could’ve already met the person I am going to marry. I wonder if he thinks about me. Whoever you are, hi there! Is it weird that I miss him without knowing who he is? Sometimes I wish that I could just know so I didn’t have to sit here and wonder. But I do also like fantasizing. I wonder what he we look like, I wonder if he will be my “ideal husband.” I really hope that he loves me. It’s really hard to get hurt. I try not to think about the past but sometimes I think about how different things could be right now. If things had been different in the past, would my future look drastically different right now? I wonder if things hadn’t gotten bad with Bradley if I would be looking to go to Utah next year or he would be following me. I wonder if we had stayed together if we would’ve gotten married and been able to say we married our high school sweethearts and not regretted a minute of it. Actually that kinda gets me thinking about why we didn’t work and they all seem like sort of silly reasons. I mean I know now that we have a hard time in a relationship despite the type of relationship but we broke up because of the distance. That is what is crazy to me; 400 miles can separate two people so much. Sometimes I wish things were different and maybe we can be friends but it feels like two years have been completely forgotten and I didn’t want that to happen. But now, all I can try to do is be excited for the future because who knows what the future holds. My plans will probably change, well I have no doubt they will change. And some part of me is excited for that part of the future. The unexpected stuff and thinking about that, I stop worrying what will come next because it is all so out of my control. 

Today I struggle. Today I think about yesterday, today, and tomorrow all at the same time. I can’t help but wonder about all of the things that happen in life and I feel like I get caught up in that stuff sometimes and miss the rest of my life. I’m so ready for a fresh start away from everything I have right now. Some part of me hates saying that because I know I will miss everything and everyone so much it could even get hard to bear. But this is why I say I’m excited. The future is unexpected and really, it’s unreliable but the unexpected stuff always becomes the best stuff. 


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