Honestly, honesty kinda stinks.

To quote one of my younger selves favorite bands, one direction, “does it ever drive you crazy, just how fast the night changes.” My answer: big, fat, stinking, yes. I guess its more of life. Life changes so fast and sometimes those changes can be good, but sometimes not so good as well. I cannot believe how much my life has changed over the past two years. In a nutshell, I am a completely different person than I was two years ago. I have been through tragedy, love, heartbreak, stupidity, hopelessness, excitement, and so much more. I have been thinking about writing for a long time and the right words just never seem to come to mind. I think I might have found them but bare with me if I really haven’t. I was sitting in church this morning, looking back on the past couple of months and the last two years and a couple things popped into my head. The first, how lucky I am to be living today. With the shooting, I feel incredibly blessed and knowing I am one in a million just from pure genetics, I mean how cool can life get. The second, why oh why, do we have to fall in love. This one I have thought long and hard about and I think of a few things. I think we cling to others because we are insecure in ourselves. We find comfort in how we complement each other. Not the, “you’re so pretty because…” stuff, but leaning on each other and always having the other persons back. I can tell you why I fell in love. I fell in love because I wanted to. I didn’t force myself to do it but I wanted it so bad, when the right person came along it just seemingly happened. I can’t really tell you what it is like to fall in love or even be in love because I think that experience is different for everyone. The way I loved Bradley was even different from how he loved me and that’s not a bad thing. I think we as humans, need companionship. Whatever that may be for you, a girl, a guy, your pets, family, friends, we desperately need to be with people and without the company of others we are actually unable to function. My love, was so overpowering and consuming. It’s like I couldn’t eat or sleep without that. I think we can fall in love if we try hard enough, but real love, honest to goodness love, that is the hard stuff. The stuff where you fight but are able to forgive, the stuff that comes after the ‘I do’ and as long as you both shall live. Love isn’t always fun, it can be painful, but at least the pain means it is real. The third and final thing, endings suck. After heartbreak is the worst time and the best time in a persons life. Moving on is not an easy thing to do even if you think it will be, finding new people and a new routine is one of the most tedious things I have experienced in my entire life. I think though, I need it. I need to be myself again and jump back into what it is like to be me, and care about me. I loved caring about another person especially the way I cared but I also think, worry about yourself. I am the most important thing in my life because if I am not good, how can I be good with someone else. The world is a weird place without someone by your side. I don’t think we realize how focused we are on the future until our present is shaken. We live our lives for tomorrow rather than right now and miss all of the things that we are doing in the present time. Maybe it’s time to just slow down and enjoy right now.


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