What to do?

The knife cuts too deep. The pain feels too real. It all seems like last time. Like all of the same things are happening again and I hate that feeling. Summing up all the things I feel with one word is easy. Distraught. I feel so lonely and distraught over everything. Over life and love and the future. I don’t understand how I can feel so up one day then so down the next. It can’t sit in my brain logically. I feel like I’m just waisting my time, doing nothing with my life and I wonder how can I ever change that without changing me first. Really digging deep into my life and realizing what is really important and what isn’t. It’s about my mental and physical and emotional health. I need to worry about me but how do I do that? How am I supposed to suffer before things get better? How is that a fair thing in life? It doesn’t make sense to me. How we have to break down certain things in our lives to make way for the new things? I wish it was all easier. I wish all my decisions were made by someone else who is unbiased and only wants me to succeed and be happy. I wish there was such a person but I know that is irrational. I feel empty a lot because I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do about a lot of things in my life. I have a difficult time deciding on things now, knowing that it’ll effect my future in a profound way. I guess my one thought and question is what do I do?

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