Normal now?

My head is spinning, my eyes are crying, and my heart is in a bundle of hopelessness. 99% of the time, this is how I feel. It’s been a year since the shooting and not a day goes by that I don’t think about it. Hopeless is a great descriptor for the way I feel. I can’t fully comprehend what happened that day still but I know it hurts me all of the time. I think about all of the things I have been through in the last year and I get incredible overwhelmed, even just thinking about my year. It’s like the world can spin out of control in the blink of an eye and there’s not much you can do about it.

It only takes one person though. Just one person to pull you back in, squeeze you tight and let you cry into their shoulder to change everything about your world. Keegan is that one person for me. Things felt so rocky and rigid and it felt like there was no hope for ever changing whatever was going on. But it seems as though we have at least smoothed over the rough edges for now. Everything is seemingly normal again. Part of that seems unsettling, like was it seriously that easy? Those are the words we had to say to just miraculously fix everything? It seems so easy. In the blink of an eye, the stormy weather becomes a rainbow. But is it all really a rainbow? Can we ever be fully happy? Life can be really empty sometimes but we know down deep in our hearts that there are things that can fill us up. Like the simple phone conversation that I had with Keegan tonight. Like I said, it all felt so normal, like we were finally back to us. The normal and real us. I really would like that. If we could just go back to the old us. We were so much better that all we are right now. I wish that things had never changed and we could’ve remained the same. But I also know that everything happens for a reason and I have to believe that that reason is in my favor this time. That’s all I can hold onto now, and nothing else can matter right now. It’s all about Nicole and Keegan.

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