Don’t say his name.

I tried to respond to that I really did. My mom didn’t know about Logan but I didn’t have time to explain. I just gave her the phone and told her to ‘read.’ She immediately got on the phone with my dad who was a commander at the LAPD but that is all I remember. It all just became a blur. I think she might’ve called 911 but I was unable to focus on her. That night after the chaos of it all, I was locked up in my room waiting for my dad to get home. When I finally saw his headlights shine into my room, I raced to the window to see what was going to happen. My mom was already outside to meet him when he got out of the car. I carefully opened my window to see if I could get a glimpse of what they were so carefully trying to conceal. I was able to hear only simple things like the police showed up at his house and they found the gun but not once did I hear them mention Logan’s name. All of the sudden the door shut and I heard them trudge up the stairs to end on the other side of my locked door.

“Sweetheart, can we speak with you?” I could tell she was shaken. Maybe I could just pretend to be asleep and it would all just disappear. Maybe I could pretend to snore. No wait that would just be dumb. Open the door and take it.

I couldn’t say anything so I just got up slowly and unlocked the door.

“Can we come in?” My dad was still in his uniform which always scared me a little.

“Sure,” I actually squeezed a word from my desert dry throat. They crossed the border between my room and the hallway, and I knew there was no turning back now.

“Please don’t say his name or tell me he’s dead, because I really don’t want to hear it,” I said, whispering through my tears.

“Nic, the police went to his house and his mom answered the door. She was hesitant to let them in but they pushed through and found him in his bedroom.” Wait, stop was all I could think. ‘They found him in his bedroom,’ what was that supposed to mean? My dad was the one speaking while I was swaddled in my mothers embrace.

“Stop! That’s not true! Get out of my room!” I was so insistent to get them out I jumped up to push them away, but it must have been too fast because now I was unconscious, flat on the floor.



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